I decided to profile this book because it is packed with relevant facts on handling Difficult Conversations. Difficult Conversations happen in all areas of life - think about your relationships and work. This book is very relevant if you are responsible for other people. I advise extremely you read it if you are a leader and/or a manager of any group. What makes these conversations so hard to face is the fear of the consequences - either we raise the issue or try to avoid it. These conversations are approximately never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values. They are not about what is true; they are about what is important.
Why is this foremost to me?
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Whether you are dealing with an underperforming employee, negotiating with a client or disagreeing with your spouse, we endeavor or avoid difficult conversations every day.
The book is relevant in comprehension why we avoid these conversations and give us comprehension into how to handle them correctly. Especially for the organizational leaders listening to this summary, the following is true: The quality to handle difficult conversations well is a prerequisite to organizational change and adaptation. Companies that foster these communications skills as core competence for leaders will leave their competition in the dust.
Each difficult Conversation is literally three conversations:
1) The "What Happened?" Conversation - Most difficult conversations are about disagreements to what happened, who's right, who said what, who did what and who is to blame. We often fail to question one crucial assumption upon which our whole stance in the conversation is built: I am right, you are wrong. This straightforward assumption causes endless grief.
2) The Feelings Conversation - Every difficult conversation involves feelings. Are my feelings valid, Should I respond or deny them, put them on the table or check them at the door? What about the other person's feelings. What if they are angry or hurt?
3) The Identity Conversation - This is the internal conversation we have to ourselves about what this situation means to us. Are we competent or incompetent? Are we a good man or bad person? Are we lovable or unlovable?
The three conversations are foremost but for the sake of time we will dive in deeper on the "What happened?" conversation.
1. Stop arguing about who is right and observe each other's stories - As we do this, it is foremost to understand why we have separate stories in the first place. 1. We have separate facts 2. We have separate interpretations 3. Our conclusions reflect self-interest. If we move from certainty to curiosity then we will garner true comprehension and move to a learning conversation which we will cover in the next section.
2. Don't assume they meant it - disentangle intent from impact. Intentions strongly sway our judgments of others: If man intended to hurt us, we judge them more harshly than if they hurt us by mistake. Ask yourself three questions to clarify: 1. Actions: What did the other man literally say or do? 2. Impact: What was the impact of this on me? 3.) Assumption: Based on the impact, what assumption am I production about what the other man intended? Hold your assumptions as a hypothesis and share the impact on you and question about their intentions.
3. Abandon Blame: Map the contribution ideas - Focusing on blame is a bad idea because it inhibits our quality to learn what's literally causing the problem and to do anyone meaningful to accurate it. Blame is about judging and contribution is about understanding. comprehension is the key to problem solving and resolving difficult conversations to a satisfactory outcome.
There are 6 areas of the learning conversation that are relevant but we will focus on the top three.
1. What's the purpose? When to Raise it and When to let go. Do we bring up the issue or let it go? This is an art form in itself. You need to know when to pick your battles. There is an old saying - It is not worth it to win the battle if you are going to lose the war. Before you raise the issue, work straight through the three conversations and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Also, is there another way to solve the problem without the conversation? Remember that action speaks louder than words so your actions could solve the problem without the conflict.
2. Begin from the Third story - Think like a mediator that has no emotional ties. Thinking objectively from the exterior gives you a true photo of what is going on. If you think from the standpoint of having no stake in the outcome then you can be very objective in your thinking.
3. learning - Listen from the inside out - This is literally the most foremost aspect of the whole book in my humble opinion. Your quality to actively listen makes it much easier to have great relationships and solve problems. Active listening requires what I call "whole body listening". You need to be present and focused on the other person. This gives you the true quality to understand their point of view fully. Remember comprehension does not necessarily mean agreeing with the other person. The learning that will happen straight through active listening will lead to determined outcomes most of the time.
I hope you have found this short summary useful. The key to any new idea is to work it into your daily routine until it becomes habit. Habits form in as minuscule as 21 days. One thing to work on is active listening. Make this a habit and you will be pleasantly surprised how it will enhance your relationships. To do this, simply listen with your whole body. Example: If you are chatting with somebody, then stop typing on the computer or texting or fiddling with something else. Give them your undivided attention. Good luck and let me know how this works out for you.
Book Summary: Difficult Conversations - How to Discuss What Matters Most - By Douglas Stone
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